Growing up I always felt unloved and unwanted. I had the tendency to blame myself for everything that happened and compare myself to anybody that I saw. By the time I reached my fourteenth birthday, I was feeling like the last piece of bread. It was hypocritical of me to get mad at others when they judged themselves but to think of myself as a hideous and worthless individual with no purpose. This all changed once I met the man who would change my outlook on myself forever. The man that gave me my first life line.
It was a rather hot and beautiful summer evening when Esteban Dalrymple came knocking on my door asking if my siblings were home. He had big blue eyes that shined like the Caribbean Sea and a smile so bright it could light up the whole town. He was every girl’s definition of the “perfect guy”. Though, as usual, I didn’t pay much mind to it and went on about my despairing life.
My siblings and him were hanging out a lot that summer. They had what you now call a “broship”. Yet, I still could not bring myself to talk to him. I didn’t crave him romantically or sexually. I craved his friendship. I didn’t have many friends and was always left out so it pushed me to shut myself out and be in my room all day. Still, it was different with him. The more I saw him, the more I knew that somehow he could save me from myself.
On August 2, he came looking for my siblings once more but this time everything was different and little did we both know our lives will forever be changed. My siblings were on vacation and I was highly upset. I opened that door and somehow he instantly knew that something was wrong with me. He asked me to come out so we could go over about what had saddened me. At first, I was a bit iffy about it because I didn’t know him personally. I didn’t know his intentions. Still, I realized that it was my only chance to get to know him and finally decided to go out.
I cannot express in words how forever grateful I am that I did.
We laughed for hours, like there was no tomorrow. We conversated as if we had known each for years and this was just another typical day. I hadn’t had so much fun in years. For the first time in forever, I felt truly at peace. Not only with myself but with everything surrounding me. Though, I couldn’t bring myself to tell him what was wrong or the fact that I had been feeling so horrible for the past fourteen years, it gave me hope that everything will be get better. That I will get better.
Days went by and my siblings were still away but yet Esteban still came to visit. It’s weird, isn’t it? How two people could go from being complete strangers to the bestest of friends in such a short amount of time. The more I got to know him, the more I saw myself in him. We were a spitting image of each other. Without all the trauma, of course.
A week went by and I realized I was getting bad again. My darkness was taking over me once again. I needed to talk to someone soon before I got back to my old habits and did something idiotic. The thing was though, that I didn’t know how to talk to Esteban or anybody for that matter. I had always kept things to myself because I figured that nobody else cared and the only thing people say when you’re looking for comfort is “that sucks”, so what was the point of saying anything.
After coming to that conclusion, I practiced a script of how I would tell Esteban my long and pitiful story without boring him to death. I thought I was ready but when I heard his knock at my door all my thoughts disappeared. As I opened it, tears came running down my face. It’s like I couldn’t control them. I felt so weak until he hugged me tighter than you hold your phone when it’s about to fall. I had never felt safer.
We sat and I began to tell him the many reasons why I felt so lonely, valueless and inferior. I talked for almost two hours and yet he listened to every word that came out my mouth. He was the first person to take time out of his day to not only hear me but to listen to me and care about my feelings. He didn’t make me feel in the wrong for finally letting my feelings out, like others had done before. I didn’t believe in God or in a paradise but if it truly existed, this was it.
Out of all the advice he gave me, I will never forget the last few sentences he said. “By blaming yourself, comparing yourself to others, and being mad about things you cannot change you’re only hurting yourself. We are the only ones that can change how we feel about ourselves. Nobody else. We are forever alone and we have to learn to love ourselves. Everything will go the way it’s supposed to go, and we cannot do anything about it.” In some way, these words saved me.
It didn’t only make me feel important but it made me feel in control of my thoughts instead of it being the other way around. It was sincerely one of the best feelings any human can experience.